What is Assertiveness and Why Should I Care?
One of the things I have noticed when working with clients is many of us don’t know what assertiveness is, let alone its deeper value. Many of us mistake it for aggressiveness, and tend to resist using it in our misunderstanding. Others are so rooted in passivity, that they hide their discomfort, even their aggression, in inaction, victimization and not far behind that is rejection, isolation and loss.
So what is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a form of communication that allows us to take care of our own rights/needs, while respecting the rights/needs of others. The Assertive Communicator is always looking for the win/win in any situation. It’s also considered a skill that enables us to effectively say, ’No.’
The Aggressive Communicator places their rights above everyone else’s. It’s the ‘my way or the highway’ form of communication.
The Passive Communicator places the rights of others above their own, and often agrees to do things they don’t want to. And maybe not happily! If they manage to say ‘no’, they may feel guilty for taking care of themselves.
Can you imagine how different our world would be if everyone we communicated with was honestly looking to create a win/win situation? If you could count on it that your rights mattered to the person you were communicating with?
More Than Speech
Did you know that as much as 92% of our perception of communication is rooted in appearance, or our perception of tone and mannerism? Only the remaining 8% is rooted in what we actually say!
We all know how we feel when someone is aggressive with us; or when someone is too passive. We don’t trust them!
Assertiveness requires us to carry ourselves easily but confidently, as well as manage our mannerism and tone if we want to be effective in maintaining our rights. Relaxed but upright posture, a calm but confident tone are a part of stepping into our assertiveness.
Where Does Assertiveness Stand?
Often we can feel assertive for the first moments of a challenging communication, but the moment we get push back, we aren’t sure where we stand. This is the test of our assertiveness. Overcoming someone’s argumentative push back, or their manipulation to get things their way, is a part of being assertive. Sometimes people respond to our assertiveness by deflecting with irrelevant information too.
One classic example of a need for assertiveness is returning something to the kitchen at a busy restaurant. If there’s a bug in your salad, you do not have to eat or even pay for that. It’s so obvious! But the waiter might be too busy and stressed to take that seriously on a packed Saturday night. ‘Yeah, I’ll take care of it in a minute’, he says when you ask, hoping you’ll get over it; and then disappears. Now what to do?
One assertive response is to give him a minute or two and flag him down again. And then, ignoring any frustration he may throw at you to avoid sending it back, ask him to please replace your salad. You have a right to a fresh salad, and he has an obligation to replace it. That’s his job: to navigate between the diners and the kitchen.
Maybe, if you’re not so interested in the salad in any more, you can give him a choice: 'Well, I appreciate the kitchen is busy tonight, so you can either replace the salad, or take it off my bill. I am easy either way.’ But this doesn’t work as assertive if you still really want the salad.
What other assertive responses can you think of in this example?
Assertiveness in Personal Relationships
Often in personal relationships we focus on what’s wrong with the other person or situation, blaming them for our discomfort. We may criticize them for reacting differently from us.
This is called Externalizing.
Its can be much easier to focus on what’s wrong with someone else, than to see and face our own flaws. This attitude also tends to lead to aggressive communication.
The other side of the coin is we may avoid hard conversations because we are afraid, or want to stay out of messy conflicts. This is known as Avoidance. But it too over time, can lead to aggressive communication. Why? Because when we avoid expressing our needs, or asserting our right to respect in a partnership, eventually the pressure becomes explosive.
The solution?
The Assertive approach says we can have this conversation in a timely manner, respecting each other’s differences, building on them, while respecting and understanding each other’s needs and rights. We problem solve together looking for the win/win over time, and with patience. (Trust, accountability, and forgiveness may be important parts of resolving personal conflicts, but that’s for another post!)
Some Rules for Practicing Assertiveness
Here are few important rules for putting Assertiveness into practice in your communication style:
1. Respect myself
2. Recognize my own needs, rights as an individual
3. Make clear "I" statements-(I think, I feel, I need)
4. Allow myself to make mistakes (to err is to be human!)
5. Allow myself to change my mind-things change, and that includes what you need
6. Ask for "thinking it over time”-if you’re not sure what you want, or what you need
7. Allow myself to enjoy my successes -!!!!! Feel free to celebrate and share your victories!
8. Ask for what I want-don’t expect people to read your mind or offer, to avoid having to ask!
9. Allow others (adults) to be responsible for themselves
10. Respect other people- and their rights, including the right to be assertive; to make all the above allowances for themselves too.
Lastly, realize Assertiveness is a practice. We get better at it over time when we work at it. We pay attention to ourselves, to creating win/win situations, and to respecting others. We meet our own needs, skilfully responding, no matter how others may react/respond to us.
Can you think of situations where assertiveness might be essential to get your needs and rights met? Take a few minutes to strategize how you might use assertive communication in your life.
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